Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Week 4 Previews: Shit-Talkin' Version!

8:15 - Dunk-A Schoen vs. Layup Line Heroes

Team Profile: Dunk-A Schoen

Leading Scorer: Whitney Warren
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: The Thank You Kindly Kids
Nickname in Bad Times: Hunk-a Shame
Strengths: Good looks
Weaknesses: Scoring baskets
Playoff Outlook: Iffy
Power Ranking: 5 of 6
Best Fake Player: Anton "The Mean Way" Greenway

Team Profile: Layup Line Heroes

Leading Scorer: Keith Gormley
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: LL Cool H
Nickname in Bad Times: Layup Line Zeroes
Strengths: Crunch time scoring
Weaknesses: Any-other-time scoring
Playoff Outlook: Poor
Power Ranking: 6 of 6
Best Fake Player: Argyle Dunhammer

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes:

Whitney Warren: "I'm just glad we're playing each other."
Keith Gormley: "This will be a holy war...between two very minor religions."
Tom Fleischman: "The stakes are high. Let's be honest, the winner of this game is the immediate favorite in the 5th/6th place game in week 11."

Gambling Information

Favorite: Dunk-a Schoen (-6)
Over/Under: 14

9:00 - The Cray's Nest vs. Beast of Burden

Team Profile: The Cray's Nest

Leading Scorer: Lars Rasmussen
Record: 3-0
Nickname in Good Times: The Motherfucking Bee's Nest
Nickname in Bad Times: What bad times?
Strengths: Everything
Weaknesses: Forgot to sign up for a better league
Playoff Outlook: Ha.
Power Ranking: 1 of whatever.
Best Fake Player: Nigel "Bloody Good" St. Clair

Team Profile: Beast of Burden

Leading Scorer: Ismael Rodriguez
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: Feast Side
Nickname in Bad Times: Society's Burden
Strengths: Comebacks
Weaknesses: Not coming back all the way.
Playoff Outlook: Decent
Power Ranking: 3 of 6
Best Fake Player: Spike the Time-Travelin' Collie from 1936 Indiana

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes

Jane Rizzo: "Ain't scared. Aint never been scared. Jane Rizzo don't scare."
Robin Luna: "I'm so scared."
Vance Tucker: "I'm healthy, but I might just operate the score board so it doesn't get too ugly."

Gambling Information

Favorite: The Cray's Nest (-103)
Over/Under: 105

9:45: Team Fouls vs. The Hospital Bombers

Team Profile: Team Fouls

Leading Scorer: Andrew Weiner
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: Dream Howls
Nickname in Bad Times: Loose Bowels
Strengths: Shooting
Weaknesses: Ever stepping inside the 3-point line
Playoff Outlook: Bubble-sitters
Power Ranking: 4 of 6
Best Fake Player: Dr. Mordecai Omnibus

Team Profile: Hospital Bombers

Leading Scorer: Geoff Nelson
Record: 2-1
Nickname in Good Times: Bomb Squad
Nickname in Bad Times: Hospital Bombers (seriously, this name is sick)
Strengths: Anger
Weaknesses: Dribbling
Playoff Outlook: Solid
Power Ranking: 2 of 6
Best Fake Player: Jennifer "Stop it, y'all!" Tyler

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes:

Jake Berkowitz: "Here are three things more disturbing than our team name: Hitler in a bikini, burning children's books in front of actual children, and our defensive strategy against Kyle Ervin."
Kyle Ervin: "I have...I have a concert that evening. A musical performance."
Nate Purinton: "I plan to draw technical fouls against people."

Gambling Information:

Favorite: Hospital Bombers (-9)
Over/Under: 93

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