RECAPS! WEEK 4!

Here they are, at long last. Consider this the CRAPPY SPORTSWRITING VERSION (unless you considered the rest of the recaps that version, in which case: good one).

MANHATTAN - The Cray's Nest was knocked from its tree by an unlikely Beast of Burden Thursday night, while the Hospital Bombers conducted an air raid that made Team Fouls cry foul, and the Layup Line Heroes said 'thank you very much' to Dunk-a Schoen in an effort that was positively heroic.


Layup Line Heroes 51, Dunk-a Schoen 34

Things looked bad for the Heroes going into this game, and some thought they would be caught unaware by their opponents. Luckily, they had a hall pass...a Colby Hall pass, that is. The former Jayhawk scored 19 points to lead his teammates to their second win of the year. He and Keith Gormley scored well over half of the Heroes' points, and on the way took a pound of flesh...or should I say a pound of Fleisch...from Dunk-a Schoen. And while Heinz may have 64 flavors, Zach Heinzerling only scored 10 points, while Ben Weitmarschen must have had a few Weit-Russians before the game, as he only scored 8.


Beast of Burden 48, The Cray's Nest 38

"Call me Ishmael" is the opening line of one of the world's most famous books, but after dealing with Beast of Burden, all The Cray's Nest could say was "stop it, Ismael!" I'm referring, of course, to Ismael Rodriguez, who scored 16. Rafael Rodriguez, his brother, got into some double trouble with 22. It's the first loss of the season for The Cray's Nest, and their three high scorers, Gene, Vance, and Lars, should have been called Spleen, Ants, and SARS. Am I right? Rough one all around. PS, Beast of Burden cheated, the league is still reviewing this one.


Hospital Bombers 49, Team Fouls 39

Steve Friedman overdosed on gumption last week, scoring 19 points to spearhead the lastest Hospital Bomber massacre. This week, their center of operations was the burn ward, and Nate Purinton, Bob Van Kolken, and Kerry Brown added to the carnage with 10 each. Zach Smith and Kyle Ervin had 12 apiece for Team Fouls, but they might as well have stayed home and cried themselves to sleep. Why? I'm not sure, but this is probably the worst recap ever. I promise to try harder next week. I love you all.

You Guys Are Going To Hate Me

I forgot the book again. My mind is in a few different places. BUT HOLY SHIT, RECAPS AND PREVIEWS TOMORROW! WHOA! HOW AWESOME WILL THAT BE?!?!?!

Week 4 Recaps Delayed

Forgot the book at home, will post them tomorrow. So sorry.

Standings, Stats, EXTENDED Features after Week 4

Have at it!










Power Rankings!

A brand new feature that has only existed, until now, in my head. For the first time all year, THE CRAY'S NEST IS BOOTED OUT OF THE #1 SPOT!!! Controversy! Anger!

1. Hospital Bombers
2. Beast of Burden
3. The Cray's Nest
4. Team Fouls
5. Layup Line Heroes
6. Dunk-a Schoen


Player of the Week: Rafael Rodriguez

A lot of great candidates made this one a tough choice, but in the end this had to go to Rafael Rodriguez, who scored 22 points, hit 6 of 7 from the stripe, and helped Beast of Burden give The Cray's Nest their first loss of the year. For his efforts, Rodriguez will be awarded an extra missed foul shot in the individual stats spreadsheet.


Honorable Mention: Steve Friedman and Colby Hall

Friedman scored 19 to lead the red-hot Hospital Bombers over resident scrappers Team Fouls. At 54 years old, "Granpappy" Friedman (as his teammates call him) is a living testament to the power of hard work and self-belief, and his performance gives hope to America's elderly during the medicaid crisis.

Hall also tallied 19, and gave Layup Line Heroes a much needed second scoring option. By taking the pressure off center Keith Gormley, he opened up the Heroes' offense and spurred them to their second win of the year.

Both players will receive a velcro hat featuring the tattered logo of the Seattle Supersonics.

Past players of the week:

Week 1: Lars Rasmussen (retroactive)
Week 2: Ismael Rodriguez (retroactive)
Week 3: Geoff Nelson


The King's Court: Week 4

A new feature honoring the top performers of week 4 in specialty categories. Some of these are subjective.

Sir Prolificus (points): Rafael Rodriguez, 22

Dr. Charity (foul-shooting): Rafael Rodriguez, 6-7.

Narrowly edges out Ismael Rodriguez (5-6), Vance Tucker (6-8), Zach Heinzerling (5-6), and Keith Gormley (5-7). A great week for the foul line.

Captain Long-Range (three-point shooting): Ismael Rodriguez, 3

The Earl of Baskets (field goals): Steve Friedman, 8

The Duke of D: Kyle Ervin, for dogging the Hospital Bombers and getting several steals in a losing cause.

The Dime Baron (week's best pass): Steve Reiter, for a beautiful thread-the-needle dart from half-court to Colby Hall.

The Marchioness (best female performance): Kerry Brown, who scored 10 points and unleashed a ton of fancy-pants dribbling on a befuddled Team Fouls squad.

Recaps Monday!

Week 4 Previews: Shit-Talkin' Version!

8:15 - Dunk-A Schoen vs. Layup Line Heroes

Team Profile: Dunk-A Schoen

Leading Scorer: Whitney Warren
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: The Thank You Kindly Kids
Nickname in Bad Times: Hunk-a Shame
Strengths: Good looks
Weaknesses: Scoring baskets
Playoff Outlook: Iffy
Power Ranking: 5 of 6
Best Fake Player: Anton "The Mean Way" Greenway

Team Profile: Layup Line Heroes

Leading Scorer: Keith Gormley
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: LL Cool H
Nickname in Bad Times: Layup Line Zeroes
Strengths: Crunch time scoring
Weaknesses: Any-other-time scoring
Playoff Outlook: Poor
Power Ranking: 6 of 6
Best Fake Player: Argyle Dunhammer

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes:

Whitney Warren: "I'm just glad we're playing each other."
Keith Gormley: "This will be a holy war...between two very minor religions."
Tom Fleischman: "The stakes are high. Let's be honest, the winner of this game is the immediate favorite in the 5th/6th place game in week 11."

Gambling Information

Favorite: Dunk-a Schoen (-6)
Over/Under: 14


9:00 - The Cray's Nest vs. Beast of Burden

Team Profile: The Cray's Nest

Leading Scorer: Lars Rasmussen
Record: 3-0
Nickname in Good Times: The Motherfucking Bee's Nest
Nickname in Bad Times: What bad times?
Strengths: Everything
Weaknesses: Forgot to sign up for a better league
Playoff Outlook: Ha.
Power Ranking: 1 of whatever.
Best Fake Player: Nigel "Bloody Good" St. Clair

Team Profile: Beast of Burden

Leading Scorer: Ismael Rodriguez
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: Feast Side
Nickname in Bad Times: Society's Burden
Strengths: Comebacks
Weaknesses: Not coming back all the way.
Playoff Outlook: Decent
Power Ranking: 3 of 6
Best Fake Player: Spike the Time-Travelin' Collie from 1936 Indiana

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes

Jane Rizzo: "Ain't scared. Aint never been scared. Jane Rizzo don't scare."
Robin Luna: "I'm so scared."
Vance Tucker: "I'm healthy, but I might just operate the score board so it doesn't get too ugly."

Gambling Information

Favorite: The Cray's Nest (-103)
Over/Under: 105


9:45: Team Fouls vs. The Hospital Bombers

Team Profile: Team Fouls

Leading Scorer: Andrew Weiner
Record: 1-2
Nickname in Good Times: Dream Howls
Nickname in Bad Times: Loose Bowels
Strengths: Shooting
Weaknesses: Ever stepping inside the 3-point line
Playoff Outlook: Bubble-sitters
Power Ranking: 4 of 6
Best Fake Player: Dr. Mordecai Omnibus

Team Profile: Hospital Bombers

Leading Scorer: Geoff Nelson
Record: 2-1
Nickname in Good Times: Bomb Squad
Nickname in Bad Times: Hospital Bombers (seriously, this name is sick)
Strengths: Anger
Weaknesses: Dribbling
Playoff Outlook: Solid
Power Ranking: 2 of 6
Best Fake Player: Jennifer "Stop it, y'all!" Tyler

Pertinent Pre-Game Quotes:

Jake Berkowitz: "Here are three things more disturbing than our team name: Hitler in a bikini, burning children's books in front of actual children, and our defensive strategy against Kyle Ervin."
Kyle Ervin: "I have...I have a concert that evening. A musical performance."
Nate Purinton: "I plan to draw technical fouls against people."

Gambling Information:

Favorite: Hospital Bombers (-9)
Over/Under: 93

Week 3 Recaps

MANHATTAN - When the dust had settled Thursday night, four teams sat together at the bottom of the standings, all with a record of 1-2.

Hospital Bombers 45, Beast of Burden 44

Geoff Nelson sent an electric shock through the league in Thursday's early game, hitting a world record 7 3-pointers to give the Hospital Bombers a narrow victory over Beast of Burden.

Against the league's toughest frontcourt defense, the Bombers came out hot, running up a 24-13 halftime lead on good shooting and even better ball movement. Beast of Burden couldn't find an offensive rhythm, and things looked hopeless as they congregated during the intermission. But a strategic transition to a full court press gave them new life in the second half. They crawled back over and over, narrowing the gap until their surge to the lead seemed inevitable. But whenever things got too close, Nelson's hot hand held the fort. With 23 points total, he scored over half of the Hospital Bomber points, and it was enough by millimeters to secure a retreating victory.

Rafael Rodriguez scored 18 points, including a clutch 3-pointer to narrow the gap to 1 with 4 seconds remaining, and Ismael Rodriguez tallied 17 in the losing cause. Nate Purinton had 9 for the victors, and center Bob Van Kolken made his bones early with 7 points in the paint. Kieran Valla added 5 for Beast of Burden.


Team Fouls 43, Layup Line Heroes 32

Jubilation erupted as the buzzer sounded in game 2, giving Team Fouls their first win of the season. "The monkey is off our back," Zach Smith shouted in the joyous post-game melee, echoing the sentiments of a relieved organization. Smith and teammate Andrew Weiner led the winners, each notching a trio of treys and scoring in double digits (11 for Smith, 13 for Weiner). But it was the contributions of the rest of the team that made the difference, and differentiated this win from previous losses. No member of Team Fouls went scoreless; Dave Polen had 6, Captain Kyle Ervin 5, Trista Sordillo 4, and Chris Bonastia 3.

Variety, however, was not the strong suit of the Layup Line Heroes. Keith Gormley, with 26 points, had an astounding 81% of his team's offensive output. Matt Brinkmann turned in a workmanlike performance on the boards, and Dan Abrams and the Steves (Reiter and Krakauer) had solid defensive performances, but the offense was resoundingly one-dimensional. Even Gormley, the league's leading scorer, couldn't overcome Team Fouls by himself. The Heroes (1-2) will have to seek out some diversity if they want to rediscover their competitive edge in the future.


The Cray's Nest 29, Dunk-a Schoen 27

In a performance that will be sadly outshadowed by Nelson's earlier fireworks, Vance Tucker led The Cray's Nest to a stunning win and kept the perfect season alive. With Lars Rasmussen, Shane Ryan, and Jordan Glickson out of action, Dunk-a Schoen seemed to have a slight advantage. But led by Tucker, the Cray's Nest circled the wagons and kept Dunk-a Schoen from ever finding a workable offense. The 2-3 zone they instituted was nearly impenetrable, and poor shooting on both sides kept the score close.

As time wound down, Dunk-a Schoen managed to recover slightly and tie the game at 27. But Tucker, who ended with 12 points, drove left and scored the winning basket with 13 seconds remaining. Warren's desperation 3 at the buzzer fell just short, and The Cray's Nest had managed the unthinkable. Gene Walsh contributed 7 points for the winning side, including a clutch late 3, and Jane Rizzo had 4. For Dunk-a Schoen, Whitney Warren matched Tucker with 12, and Tom Fleischman had 6, all in the paint.

Standings, Stats after Week Three, Plus NEW FEATURES!

Here we go! A crazy four-way tie among teams at 1-2. Only the top four will make the playoffs. Excitement!



Before stats, a quick note: a substitute player's stats will count for the team stats of the team he's subbing for, but not for his individual stats. Example: Steve Reiter subbed in last night for The Cray's Nest. He scored 4 points. Those 4 points go into the team total, and any foul shots he made or missed would have counted for the team free throw percentage. But those 4 points will NOT count for his individual stats. A player is only credited for points he scores playing for his own team.






NEW FEATURES!


Player of the Week: Geoff Nelson

Nelson hit a league record 7 3-pointers, including 4 in the second half, while leading the Hospital Bombers to a thrilling 45-44 win over Beast of Burden. He scored over half of his team's points. Geoff will receive a used set of steak knives and a miniature wooden likeness of former NBA great Rick Barry.


Honorable Mention: Vance Tucker and Keith Gormley

Tucker scored 12 points and led a depleted Cray's Nest squad to a 29-27 win over Dunk-a Schoen. His driving layup with 15 seconds remaining was the difference in the game. The stunning win preserves their dream of the GABL's first undefeated season.

Gormley set a league record with 12 field goals, and tied another with 26 points, in Layup Line Heroes' losing effort. He accounted for 81% of his team's points.

Both players will receive $10 gift certificates to Big Sarge's NBA Emporium on Roosevelt Avenue in Topeka, Kansas.